Your Marriage Won’t Be Great Unless You Do This One Thing

This month would’ve marked my parents’ 70th wedding anniversary. They got married on July 10, 1954 at Trinity AME Zion Church in Washington, DC, and were blessed to have celebrated 45 years together-parting only after my father passed away.

Growing up, I never thought too much about my parents’ marriage, which was a very traditional one, if not considered old-fashioned by today’s standards. Dad worked a nine-to-five job and Mom was a homemaker, who cooked dinner every night and ironed her husband’s shirts. She was also deeply involved in her own personal interests, as was my father. However, they were never too consumed with their individual activities, that they had no time (or energy) left for each other.

But, here’s the thing.

Their together time wasn’t always rooted in mutual interest-such as going out to dinner because they both loved a certain restaurant, or taking walks together because they wanted to stay in shape.

While these types of activities were a big part of their life together, my parents were also good at doing what relationship expert Mort Fertel says is an essential part of having a long and happy marriage. My parents understood how to “move from me to we.” Specifically, they were willing to take their separate circles of life and move them so they overlapped.

In his book, Marriage Fitness: 4 Steps to Building & Maintaining Phenomenal Love, Fertel describes moving your circle of life as being “designed to transform one of your spouse’s interests that caused you to grow apart into one that brings you together.”

An example I give people is that my dad was an avid golfer who could spend the entire weekend on the golf course. He loved playing golf. Mom . . . not so much. However, at some point she grew frustrated with him being gone all day. Even though she had zero interest in spending an entire afternoon trying to knock a teensy-weensy white ball into an impossibly little hole in the ground, she made the decision to learn the game of golf.

My mother realized that she had to move her circle over a bit if she was going to reclaim some quality time with her husband. Funny enough, not only did she develop a genuine passion for the sport, but my parents also went on numerous golfing trips together. After my father died, she continued to play regularly.

Dad also moved his circle, especially when it came to my mother’s love for playing the piano. She’d learned to play as a child, and my dad always made sure there was a piano in our home. When he began taking guitar lessons later in life, he learned some of mom’s favorite tunes so they could play duets.

Those are just a couple of examples, but you get the idea. As someone who’s been married for almost 32 years myself, I can tell you that marriage is not always easy but well worth the work that’s required.

Moving from me to we is something married couples must continue to do throughout the years, because we’re constantly evolving and finding new hobbies and interests (at least, we should be no matter our age). We’re always growing, so it’s important to be intentional about growing in the same direction. I learned that from my parents.

Kelly’s debut book, THE WEATHER OFFICER, will be available Fall 2024.