The Real (Military) Housewives Of America
No drama here, though. These women weren’t messy and they didn’t throw shade.
Black servicemen have a long history of remarkable achievements and countless tales of valor and bravery. The story of The Tuskegee Airmen is one notable example.
These men, along with their peers, who served during and after WWII, were courageous trailblazers and brought honor to the Black community and the country as a whole.
But theirs is an incomplete picture.
As I like to say, behind every great man there’s an even greater woman.
There are numerous other stories of dedication and devotion that have been overlooked for far too long. And they belong to the many, amazing Black military wives.
Regardless of race, military spouses will tell you they play a significant role, one that’s equally rewarding and difficult. Yet, their contributions go largely unnoticed by society because so much of what they do happens behind the scenes.
That being so, when we look back at the Jim Crow era in particular, its plain to see that Black military wives faced their own unique challenges.
My mother became a military wife when she and my father exchanged vows in July 1954. Having married Lt. Alonzo Smith, Jr., a commissioned officer in the US Air Force, Mrs. Betty Smith’s life became filled with opportunities that were unimaginable for many Black women of her time.
Yet, with these opportunities came great responsibilities, none the least of which was making her officer-husband look good.
Beginning in the 1940s, books were published for (and often gifted to) new military wives, so they’d have a blueprint for how to carry out their roles.
Aside from the obvious work of keeping house, packing and unpacking, and helping the children adjust to new schools, the wife was expected to “cooperate and coordinate” with the military’s way of doing things.
She was charged with helping to elevate her husband’s reputation, especially if he was an officer. Among her duties were playing hostess, making nice with the other wives, and refraining from grumbling about any of it.
Most importantly, she was to prioritize her husband’s career and support him in every way possible. To do anything less would jeopardize his success, diminish his morale, and thus weaken the armed forces.
After all, the military is only as strong as its members, right? Therefore, wives had an important patriotic duty.
My mother was tasked with upholding a public persona that exuded class, effortless grace, and an overall flawless image. All this as she faced the subtle scorn that was always easy to detect, since many of the White military wives didn’t try to hide their sneers and contemptuous whispers.
Mom’s every move was scrutinized way more than if she were White. Her behavior had to be twice as pleasant. Her home had to be twice as tidy. Her dress, twice as neat and clean.
From its inception in 1947, the US Air Force embraced integration and began commissioning Black officers. However, remnants of prejudice remained within the ranks. Not surprising, since segregation was alive and well in the rest of the nation.
Black service members and their spouses had to confront racism just about everywhere they went. That was especially true when driving across the country or looking for housing in the towns to which they were assigned. My parents encountered challenges in both of these situations.
Fortunately, for a few years at least, they were able to break free from America’s caste during their time overseas when my father was stationed in Ramstein, Germany. While some of the White military families brought their racism with them onto the base, the Europeans proved to be quite friendly.
The German people were kind, if not curious. They were unaccustomed to seeing Black women, and Mom used to laugh at how the locals often went out of their way to be helpful. Sometimes to the point where it was annoying, but she was always flattered.
During her time abroad, my mother became close friends with a few other officers’ wives who were Black. Along with Mom, two of them are shown above in the first picture. Peggy was married to foreign-service officer (he’s shown in the second picture) and Ava was the wife of a dentist and oral surgeon.
I can only imagine how liberated and joyful the wives felt being overseas, despite the sacrifices they’d made. It’s important to note that Peggy and Ava were college educated and had put their careers on hold.
In contrast, Mom started working right out of high school and she continued to work periodically during the first decade of her marriage. I guess you could say it took her a minute to adjust to being a typical housewife.
Overall, my mother and her peers understood they were living in a fishbowl. With the rare exception-like the wife who’d gotten a little too friendly with an officer who wasn’t her husband (OK, that’s messy); whereas the husband sent her back to the US from Germany-these women were intentional about conforming and keeping up appearances, even when things were less than perfect.
I’ve read that back in the day, many of the White military wives were surprised at how eloquent and sophisticated their Black counterparts were. I guess that’s what happens in a society rife with stereotypes and separation.
But it also meant that, on top of everything else, Black military wives had an unofficial duty: showing the other wives that they were just as smart and capable. *smh*
For nearly twenty years, my mother served dutifully in her role of supporting her husband until he retired (and his appreciation and love for her was endless). With pure elegance, she fulfilled her patriotic duty and set an example for the women who’d come after.
So, here’s to The Real (Military) Housewives of America!
They got the job done. And they did it all without hurling drinks at each other.
Kelly’s debut book, THE WEATHER OFFICER, will be available in Summer/Fall 2024.
